WHAT NOW?

WHATNOW

Damn … I learned a lot in this short time.

Is there anything else to learn?

I hit my limit.

Now I need to live among people who give me “support”.

So basically find people who are like me that give me the energy to become happy.

But there is this hanging dreadful existence. I don’t feel like I am exercising my mind. This affects my body and spirit.

Learning about nursing stresses you to be well rounded in all aspects of your life. You judge people based on the whole. I find that that I look at what job they do in society and how they contribute to society. The medical focus ladder is the viewpoint.

When I was studying computer programming. I was looking at the mathematical viewpoint. I was so interested in numbers, just numbers. It involved creativity and individuality. I felt a sense of who I am. I was content with what I was doing. I was a computer programmer and tutor. But it was not human. I felt a lack of connection but power knowing I had things I liked to do.  There was no competition as I was good at what I liked. I stayed home most of the time, volunteered at a computer store. I was aiming to be a self sufficient web developer.

But was that what I really wanted? It seemed cool and high tech knowing something not many people knew about. Fun to be innovative and competitive.

Nursing so far is commonly learned material that soon anyone could grasp … I think. Nothing to show off but the rigors of studying the 2 years of nursing school.

After spending time in quarantine because of COVID-19 (Coronavirus), I felt I did not add to my personality. I learned no skills that will differentiate me from the nurses. Just more caring. The job of caring and not waiting on people.

Can I stand up on my two feet to talk about myself as a unique strong individual? I find I am losing my drive to be a caregiver. I see that I have no “umph”. I can not spout knowledge. I am in a painstaking downturn to be this neutral caregiver. I want to find solutions to things but I am just regurgitating knowledge I feel.

But learning about health is somewhat enthralling. Knowing the complexities of the body but as a nurse I feel handicapped. I can not aim for a 87% in the course. I feel whimpered.

Computing the drive to be exact and efficient. Isn’t that the goal of life? Making things easier?

Nursing feels like going down a pipe that constantly gets clogged. Do people really want to talk about their problems? I feel I am suffocating doing this.

But maybe the end is rewarding. If I attain this diploma I will get the money because this is a job no one really wants.

If I tried to become a college computer programming teacher, I would have to outwit people at an established college. Always on top of things. So the only way to become a teacher is probably open a school in Vietnam. Computer knowledge is universal and can be universally taught I believe.

The problem with what I have found being constantly out in public I face racism. Am I in the right program? Or even location? I encounter it all day. What have I learned from this constant racism? Nothing that I don’t already know from growing up here in Canada. So is it better to forget the racism I get and hide away behind a computer screen or in a field that is meant for me?

The bottom line, I feel if I get a nursing diploma and tutoring certificate I can have a professional job in under 2 years that is always there for me. I so need a backup that make me $32 per hour. That is a solid to permanently get some traction. Traction to meet people. I will talk about people later. But having money is so nice. It gives you life.

Being a nurse you do get appreciated in the greater good. As a humane person wanting to help other in need. But all this lovely act is kind of overly pushing yourself. Your emotions are strung and pulled like cheese and even broken.

 

 

 

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